Even The Thought of It..

My life,

You see, my life was messed up. I've been led on, cheated, left hanging and even pushed away by either my own fault, or their personal wish to do so..

Only leading me to be fucked up person, a monster, which even I could not believe what I turned into.

The amount of things I did, the increase in smoking, screwing with peoples hearts, sexually using people and even the peer pressure of taking mild drugs were a few of them.... 

Imagine waking up in the morning havin an oxymoron feeling, nothing but anger AND excitement to fuck around with someone's life and my own as well.. to do it daily like brushing my teeth, only making my day "better" or it just SEEMED better.

but if you believe me, I do NOT regret my actions..

People have asked me, "Josh, what happened to you?"

I used to reply, " Living life, what do you think?"

Well,

It. was. so true.. as I did enjoy every moment of it. The burst of excitement, the mental passport to anything you feel like doing without a dash guilt whatsoever..
but to the main point of this post, I believe that things have changed now. Not to say that I miss it but its like removing a part of something that was ever so dear to you. Like taking a loved one from you, drug addicts without their fix, or a dancer without music.
It was a part so strong in me, now it's just. slowly. brushing off my shoulders..
Freedom of actions to actions with restrictions.
But there's something that I've always believed in.. Its's an old saying, stating that
 Life is fair.
Do you think so? cause I know that I do..
it's what I believe in, it's what carries me, forever that way, and always that way it'll be.

Its like I want it but I dont want it...
Even the thought of it.. is scary..
But I am thankful for everything that I have now.
and I'm accepting it as it's best for me..
and I have my baby girl to thank most.
Thanks E.
Without you I'd still be a wreck...


`Josh~