What more can I say?

Hey im back, but only because I've nothing to rely on, but myself.

This week has been harsh on me. From someone hurting me, leading me to hurt myself.

To forcing myself to let go and be happy.

From Monday my thoughts and emotions have been out of control.

Laughter, smiles and hapiness all followed by pain, agony and tears.

(not something a guy would say right?)

I dont need your attention and I dont need your time, but have you ever thought on wat I really needed? You have a brain and a heart like everyone else.

Maybe I just wanted your care. Even a little. In this post, I Just want you to know that you've given me the time of my life, and I enjoyed every single second with with you..

Holidays, lunches, dinners, you name it. Until now, I cant help but to blame myself for everything. What if I didnt screw up in the first place? What caused me to?

I guess I loved you too much for you to endure. Im really sorry. I caused this and I cant help but to feel this way. With the thought of myself screwing up our perfect little world, I just want be alone now. I dont want to feel this way. I never thought I'd feel this way, withdrawal is killing me. I tried talking, I tried keeping myself together with my friends.. but deep down inside, its empty. Laid under my chest, pieces of my heart that are torn, scratched and left for you to pick up.

But laid behind my mind, are thoughts and feelings that you'll never come back as much as I want it.

Dont say sorry because things are like this, I wont mind as long as I know I tried. You have issues to resolve, and those issues are not with me, but another person. I cant be around as your boyfriend or someone personal, while this is happening. But i can be there as josh, whether you appreciate me or not, I can be your listening ear and the pages you write on in a diary.

You're confused and you're only drowning yourself..

While we held hands, touched our lips and shared our feelings. I saw everything intimately. Right now, every thought is so clear, playing in my mind whenever Im free to think.
The time you said I 'love you' for the first time.

The train rides. Letting me know the train is coming, making sure i was on time.

My first Pasar malam experience with you. I was so stupid as I didnt know anything.

Our vacation to Redang, Falling asleep under a star filled sky. With you waking up asking.
"Baby, who slept first? did you sleep?." It was cute cause I didnt know myself.

There was my birthday, thanks for everything dear, until now i really appreciate it.

The time I met your mum properly. We went for Esquire Kitchen and you actually held my hand in front of her. sweet.

and well, our anni's, every month we did somethin diferent..

Everything meant everything to me. Now i feel like a walking stick.

I hope I can be close, even if I have to be friends with you. Im not being too nice, but your happiness is very important to me.

Everything is important to me and it always will be. Ill be your friend, ill be your punching bag and ill be your diary.

I hope I can be by your side when you need someone, as ive always been.

Dear, ive always been there.. but I do know that cant always be there as your boyfriend,

that's one reason why were friends now.

If one day you wake, and find that you're missing me. I'll be here dear.. I just hope you appreciate the fact that I still am.

If we seriously go our own way, which is happening right now. Ill force myself to let you go cause you do mean so much to me.

and if you ever come back.. im not sure if I can still love you. The past is not the past for me. Everything has a chance. Everything has possibilities.

If i still love you.. then we're meant to be. But if I cant love you anymore.. it wont be my lost.

I really dont want to waste something so special, but you choose not be strong.

I want us to work this slowly, but you do not know what you want..

This hurts me more then you know. I may be a guy, but i have feelings.

Especially when it relates to the one's I treasure. You.

When i hold on to someone, I hold her close and ill do anything to to comfort her.

even.. if it's letting go..
But i dont know if I can be there for you once again if you leave. But I did say, everything has chances. I dont intend to gamble it away.. especially when it comes to you..

but will you gamble me away?

We're still young and if things are meant to be, it will happen inevitably. But for now, you take your space. Ill hold a lil bit of you in me, as you hold that lil of me in you.. what more can i say?

I hope you think properly.. I hope you remember.. and i hope you realise.

I still worry and I still care.. Im only Josh, and all I do relates to me saying one thing..

I love you.. and You dont need me..